I often wake up in the morning with a sense that I have something to do. It arrives the nanosecond I slip from sleep into waking consciousness. I need to go for a walk or make a coffee or psychoanalyse the dream I just had. Lately, I've been noticing the impulse but not immediately following it.
Instead, I take my hands and place them on my neck and chest. Or sometimes I wrap my arms right around my torso, and soak in the warmth as though I'm receiving a hug from another human. Each morning the experience is different. Sometimes I cry. Other times I let out a big sigh. But always, there is a softening in my body and the urge to do becomes less pressing.
I'm not so different to my sweet nephew V waking up from his sleep, feeling a bit startled by the transition, and having the instinct to cry out so someone can soothe him.
This growing capacity to reassure myself I'm ok comes in handy with my creativity and business, too.
For example, in the lead up to relaunching Poochie's Office, and sharing my writing again, I've met this feeling of having something more I need to do before releasing it.
Another mentor to engage for a second opinion. A different platform for my website. Another draft of my messaging, my story, my services, my pricing. Another idea, more refined, to channel into an article. A different environment to be immersed in (so I got on a plane to Berlin).
I have been in these thoughts and this start/stop cycle since the beginning of the year. Feeling inspired, moving with the momentum, creating things, and then something happens. A subtle, usually unconscious, glitch in my system. And I retreat.
Eventually, inspiration strikes again and I have the desire to create and connect with... well, you.
It's remarkable how far my system glitch reaches. Not just into how I create and work, but into how I behave with money, how I interpret my own value, and how I feel about my life in general.
Yesterday afternoon I listened to a podcast interview with two women, one of them Elizabeth Ralph, who I had the pleasure of being mentored by earlier this year. They were speaking about what happens when we dare to break away from the beliefs we've inherited from society and our parents.
Their conversation got me all excited and passionate on my walk to the supermarket. It reminded me of how much my own beliefs and behaviours have changed over the last three years.
For example, I grew up with no belief in a greater purpose to my existence. As far as I was aware, my life was made up of whatever my eyes could see. I also grew up thinking that people who believed in a spiritual force lacked logical intellect, and that people who were ambitious and wanted to be wealthy were greedy and corrupt. 'Good' work was characterised by modesty and required self-sacrifice. And that's the template I followed. Until I saw that even in places that look 'good' from the outside, poor moral judgment, greed, and a lack of care can exist.
A few years ago, I was doing all the things I'd been told would lead to a happy, healthy life. But I didn't get the result I expected. My nervous system was overloaded. I dreaded the working week. And I couldn't seem to feel satisfaction in myself or my relationships. Nothing felt like enough.
Then something happened that I still don't have better words to describe other than soul-stirring. A sudden surge of energy up my spine, so strong it left me with a new understanding of the nature of reality itself. It was a gift and also a personal reckoning. Because it forced me to meet the many parts of myself that I had abandoned, exiled, and run from my entire adult life.
There is a part of me that experiences a child-like excitement to share what I'm passionate about: purpose-led work, feelings, energy, spirituality, manifestation, creativity. There is a part that feels very scared of being rejected, humiliated, and distanced from the people I love. And there is a part that is highly adept at coming up with reasons to retreat and protect myself from the dense feelings of shame, loss, and isolation.
"It's a parts party," my dear friend F would say. She has spent a lot of time getting to know and loving her many parts.
It's very normalised to seek support to understand how our parts and our patterns get in the way of our human relationships. Particularly romantic and family ones. It's much less common, and perhaps less researched, that the same parts, the same system glitches, play out in our professional and creative lives, too.
This was a phenomenon I started noticing while working inside national NGOs, not-for-profits, and management consulting. And one I experienced viscerally the moment I decided to start my own business, share my own ideas, and put a price on what I believed I was worth.
It's also the reason I established a practice, Poochie's Office, to support those who are beginning to notice the same thing.
That a desire exists to express themselves more fully in the world, and channel their passions and natural strengths into a career, business, or creative practice that more accurately reflects who they are. But something keeps getting stuck in the process.
This morning I woke up to two messages out of the blue. One from a past client saying she'd finally gone out on her own as a strategic consultant: "Poochie Process Success!" The other from a friend saying she'd found a mentor who is "very shamanic". "I was looking through her program and thought of you… how is the snaky spirally energy going?"
I read the messages with a big grin on my face. It wasn’t lost on me that they only appeared once I let go of getting it 'right' and decided to back myself again. At an energetic level, our reality field responds to what we believe to be true. But more on this later.
I'm looking forward to connecting with you again, my precious Poochie subscribers. I'm currently living my best life in Berlin. And soon heading to Greece and Paris.
You can expect more of my writing here, as well as interviews with the incredible teachers, mentors, and therapists who have supported me to become more 'me' these last few years and create a sustainable business.
If you're in a career/business/what-am-I-doing-with-my-life crisis and feeling curious about the 1:1 Poochie experience, have a look at my services and testimonials on my new website.
I'd love to support you to stop glitching out (!) and experiment beyond your own edges.
Lots of love,
Emma / Pooch x
