Laura and I have an ongoing joke that we are never not in bed. Given the time difference between Berlin and Melbourne, we’re always meeting on WhatsApp with our heads on a pillow. Our conversations usually begin with “hi Poss!”, then the other replies “Hi Poss!”. Both of us grin. “In bed again Poss?”
Aside from being my older sister, she is an advanced Gestalt therapist who has been living and practising in Berlin for the last 8 years. Before that, she studied and practised as a psychologist in Melbourne, working within the public system.
I find her approach as a therapist (and person) deeply humanistic. When I decided to study psychotherapy this year, I was inspired to study Gestalt like her. This has kicked our usual analysis up a notch as we layer theory over what it all means.
We had this conversation while debriefing my experience of a dance party in Melbourne. We speak about romantic love and what happens when we stop searching, clinging, or running from whatever it is.
Emma
I had a really beautiful moment on the weekend. I was going to this party and I was excited because, you know, you never know what’s going to happen at a party. I was having a great time at the pre-drinks, but as soon as we arrived I started getting into my head. Wondering if my ex was going to be there. A part of me was thinking, am I going to go home with someone tonight? There was an uneasiness. I was looking out for something and I wasn’t present.
Then I caught myself on the dance floor. I thought, how would it feel to stop that searching feeling? And then somehow, I grounded myself. I felt my feet. Became aware of the lovely people next to me. I started having a really good time.
This girl I kind of knew came up to me and said, keep doing what you’re doing on Instagram! I’m a writer too, I get it. And then this guy tapped me on the shoulder and was like, you look majestic smoking that cigarette. It all felt really nice.
It dawned on me that I was looking in all the wrong places to feel good. Like what if I stopped the search for this thing.
Laura
I know what you mean, this idea of searching is so relatable and touching for me somehow. It’s such a painful experience to be so on edge and trying desperately, doing anything, in order to find something or someone to cling onto. It can completely take you out of the here and now. You can miss the good things right under your nose!
Emma
I think that's the really painful part about it. What it can rob you of. I thought what I needed was a hook-up. When actually what I needed was connection with community and support for this big thing I’m working on [my creative work]. In the car home I felt so peaceful.
Laura
I love this story so much.
My colleagues in Italy would describe this as a part of our (society’s) current hysterical experience. A collective sense of being left alone in the darkness, not able to trust a light will come and shine on us. It’s not hard to understand in the context of everything happening in our world right now politically, historically, socially…
So yeah, to cope in a landscape like this, we disconnect from ourselves and fixate on the light. Trying to grab it or seduce it, or on the other hand try to avoid it or reject it. Either way, I don’t feel myself at all…and I definitely can’t feel the other either.
Emma
You think because you're trying to control it, this is what's best. But if you were just present in the moment, unexpected things can happen.
Laura
Yeah, you might completely miss what you actually need in this moment. There’s no way to really be nourished by your environment.
Emma
Yeah and I was thinking, it’s a bit shit that I'm looking outwards when there's people here who want to be seen. I realised by centreing this romantic thing, I’m completely decentreing other humans who are worthy of my attention. And could offer me support.
Laura
To survive in a hysterical field like this we are all really doing whatever we can in order to feel safe, to keep that light shining on us at all costs. The fixation on romantic connection makes sense I guess. If we are asking ourselves what can I do to keep the light? Historically and in cultural narratives, romantic partnership provides safety, value and power. Especially for women!
But yeah, there’s nothing wrong with this per se, in fact it can be very adaptive. The problem is where we become so rigid that we are sacrificing ourselves entirely just to cling onto the light. In reality, it might not be safe at all…
As a comparison, I think about the way I find friends and build friendships. I look for safety in my friendships for sure, but I’m not grabbing at friends to try and find safety and wellness in the same way that I am with a partner. I go in much more embodied, much more relaxed. Much more able to gauge, how do I feel with this person? And do I want to see them again?
As soon as there’s a romantic context, I find it becomes much more confusing. There’s a particular atmosphere that means I leave myself , or miss myself. Like your experience at the party…
Emma
I’m thinking of mediation and sitting as the observer or witness of your thoughts and feelings. When it’s romantic, it’s like, I’m just in it.
Laura
It’s so hard to step out of it and become aware of what you’re actually feeling. In a hysterical field it can honestly feel like ‘you’ don’t exist, except in relation to securing the light - or hook up.
Emma
I also think about the fact that so many of us are in therapy. We’re navigating this period of finding or holding a committed partner whilst navigating a different relationship with ourselves. If I’m trying to find more wholeness in myself, I’m also trying to find this in partnership. So it’s not feeling simple.
Laura
Yeah it’s tricky stuff! It’s exciting too, though. Like, I wonder what type of connections I could make if I let go of ‘the hunt’ or opened my mind to new possibilities. It feels very scary and counterintuitive. But, I need to stop clinging or pushing away, so that my hands are open and available to welcome something real.
Emma
To stop looking for it. And to stop actively avoiding it.
Laura
Yes, they’re different sides of the same coin. I really like the way this collapses the avoidant / anxious binary and highlights the underlying conflicts that belong to society at large right now, rather than just blaming a particular person or subset of people.
Emma
One of my teachers uses the phrase ‘this is my growing edge’ when she talks about experimenting out of her comfort zone. And I’m realising this is mine. Letting go of that hypervigilance. Not just pining over a person. Or mindlessly opening the dating app.
Laura
As you’re saying this, I’m thinking this is not just relevant for dating, it’s just as important for when we are in relationships. How can I try not to cling or reject, just be with what is, and try to commit to that moment to moment. Maybe it’s someone I’ve been on a first date with. Maybe it’s someone I’ve been with for 10 years. I think at any stage it feels very radical and risky to be present with what is actually unfolding. Really letting go of fearful control.
Emma
Feels like surrender. Which is nice but scary.
Laura
One of my teachers (Michela Gecele) said it might be like being in a dark room, and when the light comes we don’t reject it or cling onto it, but sit back and relax and enjoy it, like we are watching fireworks. I like this image very much.
Emma
Beautiful things happen in really unexpected, creative ways that you could never control. So if someone walks into my life at some point, I don’t think it’ll be something I’ve curated. And this is why online dating feels off. I don’t want it to be someone I’ve chosen based on a picture on an app.
Laura
Or maybe there is someone you’ve already met but rejected for some reason…
But yes, if we could have an attitude of watching fireworks and engaging with connections in a relaxed and curious way, we really open ourselves up to new and wonderful things emerging. I mean, someone might even get the chance to see us in our full majestic glory on the dance floor!
